The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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