Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
