Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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