I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
