Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
