So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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