so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
