One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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