He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Randomize
