Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
