i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
