I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
