the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
