Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
