I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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