My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
