After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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