i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
