I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
