how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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