Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
