he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hippo gnu deer
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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