batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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