apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
