three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Im part way to drunk.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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