i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
