eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
