somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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