You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
