I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
