I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
