I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
