i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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