K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
