you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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