I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
