woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
