Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
