why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
