college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
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Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
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I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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