Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
