god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
