i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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