I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My first STD was from a foam party
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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