Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
