Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
