this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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