toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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