In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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