I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
