I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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