listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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