my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
