If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
