I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
