I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
