Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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