i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
its liver damage thursday
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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