I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I think I just sharted jello shots
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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